Wednesday, 24 July 2019

i didn't want my baby

today i want to admit a feeling that is controversial, perhaps arguably just plain wrong, but i felt it, so that makes it real right?

and i wanted to share it out loud, because it's good for me, and it's good for anyone else out there who has struggled with similar thoughts.

this is a very vulnerable thing to express, so i hope you treat it with respect, kindness and gentleness above all.

let's begin...

we've wanted a second child for a while now, but we weren't really in a practical position to be able to have one. our house was "too small" - really, we could've fitted in there, but it wouldn't have been ideal or very relaxing - and more than that, we knew we wanted to get our 'forever home' so that we could set roots near schools we loved.

so we waited. we waited through all of the trauma of last year - and thank goodness really, because the emotions of that were so deep and difficult that fluctuating hormones on top of that would've been too much to bear.

we moved late January this year, and decided to start trying for a baby once we'd packed away the last boxes (which didn't take long).

somehow i'd got it stuck in my head that this pregnancy would take longer. the first was instantaneous, but i'd known so many people that had struggled with their second, and lots of people who are still struggling to conceive after years. it seemed too much to possibly conceive the notion that it could be just as simple once again. and so i got it fixed that it would take some time this time...

but of course it didn't. it was another instant pregnancy.

now, i know at this point i should've felt super happy that there was no struggle, i should've been feeling so extremely blessed that i didn't have to go through the hardship of miscarriage or time spent waiting. but i didn't right away. instead i felt tremendous shock.

shock that i would be blessed this way. shock that i was having another baby. a second baby. shock that our family would expand to four. shock at the fact that i would have another person to look after, all the time, forever. shock that i would be doing pregnancy all over again. a type 1 diabetic pregnancy nonetheless. what had i gotten myself into?

it's not unlike me to do things fast. i got engaged after 8 months of knowing Pete, and we only spent 11 weeks being engaged before we got married. i moved to Belgium at the end of my first trimester with my son... i'm used to doing things at a different pace. so why did this one rock me so much?

honestly, i think the hormones got the better of me. the exhaustion and the nausea of this pregnancy took me right out of the world of regular understanding. it had me at my absolute worst. i wasn't able to rationalise much, and it was also at my husband's busiest time of year at work, so i didn't have many people to confide in.

i remember calling my mum and crying down the phone saying literally 'i don't want this baby'. i even googled abortion laws. i didn't feel remotely capable or ready. i didn't feel like i had any support. it spoke only to another couple of friends about how i'd felt, and none of them knew what to say, and thankfully sidelined it and moved the conversation on.

it was just the hormones. it was often a bit of an outer body experience. exhuastion + hormones are a treacherous combination. it can make you think thoughts that are unlike your regular self.

so for me, i waited. i prayed. i waited. i waited for my body to regain its balance, and to stop feeling so tired all the time. i didn't listen to myself. i trusted in God rather than myself.

and it got better and i was able to think clearly, with my head and with my heart. once i passed week 16, i could focus. i could think about the positives a little bit more. and although i'm still apprehensive about being a parent to 2, i'm looking forward to it too.

i'm glad i didn't give in to those fears and feelings. i'm glad i knew somewhere inside me that it was a lie. i'm so very glad i waited.

it's terrifying when you feel like your hormones have the better of you. and it's even scarier when you genuinely believe the feelings to be real. when you believe so matter-of-factly. i guess it's what a lot of people describe when they experience postpartum depression? only mine happened when i was pregnant? i guess if i googled it, it would be a thing.

so, the only thing i wanted to say, was to say this out loud, because i felt so incredibly LONELY in my feelings. NOBODY understood. they all said 'it's great that you're pregnant', 'it's so amazing it happened so easily', and the few people i told looked shocked and had no words for me when i said 'i don't want this baby' and 'i can't do this'. i want more people to know that people feel this way, so that if someone says this to you, you can look at them knowingly rather than confusedly. you can say 'i once read a blog post about someone that felt the same as you'. and then ask them if they need practical support - maybe some food? maybe some time away from toddler? maybe some time to themselves? maybe they need help finding more sleep? because i reckon if i'd have taken a bit more time for myself, to rest, to reflect, i would've been better faster. but no-one saw me or knew how to help.

so i've now googled it and yes, depression in pregnancy is a thing. seek help. call your midwives or speak to someone. apparently it affects a good portion of us, but somehow i'd never heard of anyone else feeling like this. a bit blue maybe, but not to the extreme i was feeling.

anyhow, peace out. that's enough for now. i hope this has been helpful or informative, or both. and i'm sending a lot of love through my typewriter to you today xxxxx