Friday, 30 September 2022

my faith journey : let's be honest

perhaps this isn't something to share on the internet, or perhaps it is, and maybe i'll share, maybe i won't, and maybe i'll delete it later on, who knows.

i'm a giant clichรฉ and i'm aware of that. but over the last couple of years i've really questioned my faith. it's something that happened both fast and slow, and it's very much an ongoing journey...

i've questioned all the big things, and the only two things i feel sure of right now are that there is a creator - i cannot fathom that the world just happened to exist, and all of it so perfect and interesting. getting pregnant and breastfeeding was just confirmation for me that we are super intricately designed and miraculous. and then the second thing i think is that i don't believe in an after life, you know, i'm just quite content with living here and that being enough, that we return to the soil and that's that. so then that puts be in a predicament, because those two things don't exist together in the world i used to know, the world of the evangelical Christian. 

so, then, i also really believe a LOT of what the bible has to offer, but i also believe like with any book that it has the power to cause both good and evil, and it can easily be read the wrong way, by the wrong person, for the wrong reason, and cause so much emotional trauma and fear. if Jesus came to spread the message of love, then why aren't Christian's more loving? if the Holy Spirit "lives inside of us" then why aren't Christian's more peaceful? 

i also wonder about why the modern church is setup in the way it is. it absolutely baffles me. it hasn't moved with the times in a positive way, for the most part. and i appreciate that i only have my frame of reference here, and that not all churches are this way... but i'm pretty sure that the intention of the early churches was to build local communities, to be something people envied and wanted to be a part of, to be a servant to it's people and neighbours, and that everyone pitched in because they wanted to. that all ages, nationalities, genders, skin tones, eye colours, etc, were welcomed.

nowadays i don't suppose that's what i see, instead i see a lot of churches paying their staff with the donations, rather than giving them to the community. i see churches that people drive to instead of walk to. i see people going to serve their own emotions and mental health rather than taking part. it's quite a far model from the 'let's sit and eat food and share wine' Jesus that the bible represents. Jesus came to break lots of rules and then Paul seems to add rather a million new ones after his departure...  plus then why do some things get preached on but not all. why does the bible cause so much division with things like head coverings?

ok, that's enough questions. 

i'm still clearly super confused. 

but i am so GLAD i'm asking these questions, because for the first time i'm out of my (very safe) Christian bubble and can see things very differently. i feel the fear lots of others feel, i feel the uncertainty, i understand why so many people are led to addictions and distractions. and i totally GET the desire for safety, peace and HOPE, that the message of the bible proposes.

because a life without hope isn't something i want really. it's negative and depressing. literally. so i guess where i'm at is trying to figure out where to put my hope. lots of people put their hope in their family, their children, their spouse, their football team, their finances, their political views. but i sort of agree with the bible when it says that these are passing things, they aren't sure or firm and they could all end tomorrow. it makes sense to have your hope in something more solid and bigger. 

now i know what you're thinking, 'you're glad to be here?' - well i guess only in so far as it's good to finally see the other side. and that really is good, because i didn't truly understand it before. i mean, i'll never be able to step into everyone's shoes, sure, but at least i can see a different perspective, even if it's just a glimpse, and by goodness that's important.

where do i go from here?

well, i keep asking questions, keep reading, keeping talking to people, but NOT stress about speed and finding the answers right this moment and instead take it easy and let the journey of life flow at a nice babbling brook sort of pace. 

i want to keep immersing myself in lovely things that fuel my creativity and ignite my positivity and love for beauty. i want to hang out with people (in real life and online, in what i read and watch and listen to) that help me become the version of me i want to be - one filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. 

a life lived in fear isn't really a life. there's a quote by Georgia O'Keefe that's 'I have been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I have never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do' - which rings so true to where i'm at.

i hope you find me just quite the same person as always; joyful and able to see the positive in almost anything, always playing devil's advocate, learning to find my voice... clearly today my voice is a big jumble, but i find usually writing things down helps me clarify where i'm at, and that's part of the reason i wanted to start my faith journal again too. if you enjoy the video, please make sure to leave a comment and give it a thumbs up, it really help me know what you're all enjoying and want more of. 

thank you all for your encouragement and support, i always really value it x


  1. ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

  2. I relate to all of this. I'm so glad you shared. Going to check out the journal video asap :)


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